Las Vegas – Where to start?? “The begining” I hear you all cry…fair enough, I’ll start there. We landed in Vegas after travelling for about 57 hours…ish. We flew from Heathrow to LAX and then to Vegas. So we actually flew over Vegas and then back! Landing in Vegas was an experience in itself. We landed in the evening and the strip was already lit up. It looked spectacular and any thoughts of jet lag were washed away in the neon madness!

Walking through McCarran airport you quickly realise what you have let youseif in for. We were barely off the plane when we were confronted by rows of slot machines in the airport with many a happy gambler sat at them! A qucik cab ride to the MGM grand further opened our eyes. We drove down the strip past all these crazy buildings that were absolutely monumentally massive!! We were on the 24th floor of the MGM and that was probably only two thirds of the way up the building!

New York New York(click to enlarge)

For all those of you who haven’t been there…Yes it is as crazy as it looks in the films! Our first night involved everything that all our other nights…and days involved which is to say a lot of drinking and gambling! Walking through the casino in the MGM it was easy to notice there were no windows, no clocks and free drinks for anyone who was gambling. This all adds up to long nights of drinking and gambling because you never have a clue what the time is and you are always plied with free drink! We gambled and drank in the MGM and then headed across the handy bridge to New York New York, a hotel built in the shape of the New York skyline.

As you can see they don’t hold back! The evening then took us into a bar in NYNY called Coyote Ugly…Ben and I had never heard of this place before but the atmosphere seemed good so we gave it a go. It was pretty good but there seemed little regard for health and safety. There were women dancing on all the bars and pouring shots down the throats of each other and various men on the floor underneath. Very unsafe but enjoyable none the less.

Coyote Ugly - Look here I am! (click to enlarge)

We thoroughly enjoyed our time in Coyote Ugly despite the unsafe nature of the bar. And so we moved downstairs to the casino and we….gambled some more. Blackjack was the game of choice along with the occasional bit of roulette for the entire week. Our first night was excellent and we then retired to our room. Which featured big arse beds and black out curtains that proved to be a little too effective at keeping the daylight out!

Wednesday the 19th of November 2008 will forever be known as RED WEDNESDAY. Upon getting up we were both quite hungry having been on the go the day before for about 38 hours. So having done some research before we came we decided to go to a place called Pampas in Planet Hollywood. On the menu was their meat Rodizio, which basically involves you getting unlimited meat while you are in there. Now, at the time this sounded like the greatest invention since the clicky top biro. We ate pork, chicken, turkey and the nicest beef ever. All made fresh and brought out on massive scewers and carved onto your plate. There was also a side bar which was stocked up with salad bits, bread, meatballs and apple and bananna frittas! Needless to say we gourged ourselves silly for a couple of hours. However, this was the BIGGEST mistake in the history since George W Bush gave up the drink and decided that politics would be a good fit for him. I cannot even begin to describe the pain that we went through after eating far far FAR too much food. All we wanted to do was lie down however, we failed miserably to find the exit from Planet Hollywood and ended up walking for what felt like about a month before we finally got out. The rest of Wednesday was spent in bed regretting what we had just done and praying that our stomachs would explode so the pain would stop. Don’t get me wrong, the food at Pampas was great but the amount we ate was a stupid idea. But after some time recovering we got up and went out again for another night out in Vegas. We had begun the recovery process at about 4 pm and we went out on the town at about….Midnight!

No worries though, this town never stops! So we headed out to Hooters for a bit more gambling and drinking. We stayed in Hooters for a bit but were left slightly unimpressed and so headed off into the night and ended up in the Mandalay Bay. This place was huge even for Vegas and mostly empty. They did have a bar open and we grabbed a JD and coke for a whopping $28 each!! Needless to say we didn’t return there. We did spot a guy brake dancing to maroon 5 which was a bit odd to say the least. So having paid FAR too much for our drink we moved on…back to the MGM for more gambling. You may begin to see a pattern emerging!! I would love to tell you more about the rest of the night from this point but I can’t really remember. I do remember being sat at a blackjack table and questioning the bloke next to me as to why he was drinking coffee. When he replied that it was 9 am and he had only just gotten up, we realised we had been sat there for about 5 hours and it was probably time to retire for some sleep.

We arose at about 6 pm having not seen the light of day for quite a while following Red Wednesday and so began another day of the usual…drinking and gambling! This time we decided to head fruther afield and headed to the rather swish Bellagio. Now, I will be honest at this point and say that the Bellagio was very very nice and well out of our league!! But we descended on their casino and I am happy to report we walked away with more money than we started with. We sat in there drinking their drink and gambling for a while with a load of dutch blokes. I did feel sorry for them as they all moved down so that we could fit onto the table and then proceeded to get a run of lousy cards as all the good ones were dealt out to us…i felt bad for about a minute and then I had another drink and I felt a lot better! Having done handsomely in there we decided to head to Planet Hollywood. For those of you who don’t know, this is not just a restaurant it is a massive hotel and casino. We decided to go here as we had done a bit of research before arriving and discovered that part of their casino was called “The Pleasure Pit.” It was easy to see why…the combination of gambling, free drink and stunningly fit women is a brilliant one and one I would encourage any establishment to employ. These women were fit….Playboy fit…more on that later! Anyway, we sat down at a table outside of the Pleasure Pit ($25 minimum was a bit rich for our blood) which was a single deck game of Blackjack. So far we had only partaken in shoe games with 8 decks. This was a new experience and we were both slightly worse for ware and were slightly unsure of what to do. Thankfully with Ben sat to my right he was told what to do and I simply kept quiet and copied so it looked like I knew what I was doing! I say Ben was “told” what to do…it was more a case of a rather irate Asian women shouted at him as he kept getting stuff wrong. We again somehow, despite the drink, managed to finish with more money than we started with although I have no idea how. We left Planet Hollywood, mostly coz the waitress kept passing us by and not bringing the free drink that our play apparently needed and headed back to the MGM.

And so dear reader I finally reach the point where I can explain the name FatBritney.com. The name was born at a blackjack table in the MGM Grand on the Friday night we were there. We decided to sit at a table currently inhabited by a large man and a large ish women. So we gambled and sat chatting to them, as you do. It became apparent that they were man and wife and they were from the South…the deep South!! I can take NO CREDIT for the name Fat Britney…that acalade goes to Ben. As were we talking to the couple Ben pointed out that the wife looked like Britney Spears…all be it a fat one and so the name was born! I was left with the painfully awkward moment when she turned to me, beaming, asking if I thought that she looked like Britney. At this point I was quite drunk and after what seemed like about a gap of about 3 years I stuttered “yes.” Stuttering mostly becasue her husband was a fairly big chap and being from the South, probably had a gun about his person! Shockingly he actually quite liked me after I jokingly said I wouldn’t have voted for Obama, he then told us how he would never vote for Obama and that McCain was a hero. I’ll leave you all to fill in some blanks! His name was Paul, they had 4 sons called Paul, his father was called Paul and his uncle was called….Paul. I can confirm that inbreeding is alive and well in the South. The night continued in the usual fashion…more drinking and gambling! We turned in at a more normal sort of time, but I must confess I have no idea what sort of time it was!

Saturday was an action packed day and a long day as well, long becasue we actually managed to get up in time for breakfast!! We went and enejoyed the buffet breakfast in our hotel which was excellent. We both ate heartily and Ben had a massive omlette. This is a crucial piece of infomration that needs to be remembered!! There are a lot of rollercoaster rides in Vegas and most of them are very fast and very wild. Then there are the rides at the top of Stratosphere.

The Stratosphere (click to enlarge)

The top of this building is over 1000 feet in the air and there are 3 rides up there designed to make you think you are going to die. I hope everyone remembered that Ben had  an omlette from breakfast! All 3 rides have crazy names none of which I can remember due to the fact I didn’t really care and was focusing more on the impending doom in front of me! The first one we went on was simple in it’s design…it shoots you up in the air very quickly and then back down again. It does this a few times. If you look at the photo of the Stratosphere you will see the spire on the top, which is where this ride is. When you are at the peak of the ride you can see for miles and the view would be great if you weren’t about to be hurled back down again at a speed man was not meant to travel unless in a space suit. The next abomination a.k.a ride, was one that was again very simply designed. It is shaped like something from a childrens playground, almost rocket shaped. As you get on it is pointing up about an angle of about 30 degrees or so. So you sit down, strap yourself in and wonder what the hell is about to happen. You are then told to “hold on tight” and the rides starts to drop in angle very slowly…until it becomes clear that it is pointing down at the street. You are then shot forward VERY qucikly and then stopped again just as quickly and left hanging. It is about this point when you realise how stupid an idea it was in the first place to go on this ride as you are left dangling above the street with only a harness and some twisted bits of metal keeping you from being the main feature of the evening news. You are then shot backwards and forwards and few times each time stopping right at the edge hanging over the side of the entire building. It was not so fun!Ben considered this to be the worst of the 3, I however, mantain that the last one was the worst. This was by far the most complex in design but again the goal was simple….to make you regret going up there. You sit down, strap in and then the ride lifts up slowly and at this point it is not that scary as you are still over the actual building itself. The the gates at the edge of the building collapse and you are swung out to the side and are now dangling over nothing but the street and the ant like beings below. The ride then  starts to spin and expend.

The ride at the top of the Stratosphere (click to enlarge)

This leaves you looking straight down again and even closer to death as this time only a harness is keeping you from becoming a new and morbid version of street art. The ride then speeds up and you constantly spin for what seems like 3 or 4 years before being brought back to terra firma…of sorts because you are of course still stood on top of a building 1000 feet in the air. Ben managed to keep down his omlette somehow although I have no clue how!

And so we moved to explore the rest of The Strip. This is easily done via the monorail that handily runs up the entire strip stopping at convenient places along the way. However, not everything about the monorail is great…you have to endure, and never has the word endure been better placed, some recorded “jokes” and “facts” about Las Vegas. Such as the fact that Barry Manilow is playing at the Las Vegas Hilton, and “did you know Barry Manilow can’t smile?” There’s a joke in there somewhere I’m told. There was also something about David Copperfield and the Chilean flamingos at the Flamingo Hotel. Chilean being pronounced CHI – LAY – EN (that is my attempt at typing fonectically!). The Flamingo was also home to Donnie and Marie Osmond and there beaming faces were plastered all over the side of the building. This meant that you could pretty much see them from anywehere in Vegas…very creepy! We decided to have a nose around the more central part of the Strip where there are quite a few hotel/casino’s all together. We visited the Venetian…which as Ben puts it is like Venice but made of plastic. The Venetian is also a great example of why there are so many fat people in America. The pavement outside has been replaced by conveyor belts so there is no need to walk or even move until you get to the door…which is automatic. We popped into Treasure Island as well and got fleeced at the blackjack table by another Asian woman with incredibly fast hands and teeth like Stonehenge. Slightly disheartened we moved onto the Mirage which was not particularly memorable and NO we weren’y drunk at that point! Then we went to the Wynn…

The Wynn (click to enlarge)

This is one of the most impressive buildings in Las Vegas and full of very rich people! We of course ventured in and were provided with an outstandingly good lunch. The burger was amazing and caused us to return there later in the week. I would love to stay there but alas I am too poor! With time on our hands having gotten up earlier that usual we decided to head up to Freemont Street. This is the another long street with loads of neon signs and casinos and is one of the most iconic and photgraphed parts of Vegas. If you’ve ever watched Viva Las Vegas this is features heavily and is also in Diamonds are Forever, the Bond film. The street itself is under cover and over head is a massive arced roof with more lights and screens than most cinemas. Every hour or so they have huge displays and shows run across the top. It was most impressive. However, what was more amusing was the tiny little booth opposite us which was an “oxygen bar and day spa.” Personally I’ve never considered a booth as a day spa but I suppose it takes all sorts. We also saw one of the most confusing signs ever written by man. This being a sign that said: “I can write on rice.” I have to be honest and say that we didn’t go over and find out what this actually means and what this bloke can do. He had a little booth with this sign on the front. We have no idea what he can write on the rice…1 letter, a couple of words or the complete works of Tom Clancy?? No idea!  So we then went back to our hotel. On our way back through our hotel we noticed a small crowd, so being the inquisitive types we wondered over and who did we see but Floyd Mayweather Snr. He was signing autographs and stuff dressed in a very loud suit and accompanied but some massive other blokes. After another quick power nap it was time for the fight!! Ricky Hatton vs Paulie Malignaggi.

Having discovered where the arena was, turns out we walked past it about 10 times, we palced our bets and headed in to watch the fight. Somewhere between entering the arena and sitting down we somehow got transported back to the UK as we were surrounded by nothing but Brits cheering on Hatton. When Malignaggi came out he was met with a chorus of booing amongst other things…

The fight itself was very one sided and could have been over after about 4 rounds. It was finally stopped in the 11th which pissed off me and Ben as he had bet on the 8th and 9th and I on the 10th. Doh! Still, it was a great fight and when we got a drink at the bar they were very generous with their measures which is always a big thumps up in my book! I’d love to tell you how we then went off to go and paint the town red and party the night away but the truth is we sat down and gambled again! We spent the evening gambling away our money in the casino in the MGM again. I can’t really tell you a whole lot more as due to excessive drinking and a poor memory I can’t remember what actually happened. Sorry!

Sunday was a day we had long looked forward to!!! At the top of the Palms Hotel and Casino on the 53rd floor is The Playboy Club and we had tickets to go there!! The day was spent doing little else other than our now customary trip to the Fashion Show Mall. This was now a regular occurrence as Ben had to change his dodgy travellers cheques into cold hard cash and could only do a certain amount each day. So every day we dragged oursleves down there and back. The worst part being there was a new Ipod advert playing and it had the MOST annyoing song in the world and we were forced to listen to everey time we went. To be honest we did little else other than wait for night time so we could go to the Playboy club. We nearly didn’t make it!! By this time we had hangovers upon hangovers and we were in a lot of pain. The power naps were a daily event and we so nearly didn’t make up in time to go to Playboy. But the thought of more stunning women wearing very little and dealing the cards was too good to turn down! So we dragged ourslves out and went. We arrived at the Palms and headed for the lift to the club. The lift itself is operated by a bloke that would make Mr. T look like a stick…he had arms bigger than my entire body! The lift took about 3.5 seconds to get all the way up to the club and then the doors opened and we were there. The thought then flashed across our minds that we were dead and were in heaven. We then quickly realised that this was impossible because if we were dead and heaven existed then there is no way either of us would qualify! The casino was everything we hoped and more. All the dealers were bunnies and were all smokin’ hot!! We ended up playing at one of the tables purely because the bunny dealing was groin grabbingly hot! However, all that happened was that the table was £25 minimum and we both got taken to the cleaners to the tune of about $150 each in about 2 minutes flat….still she was amazingly fit!!The best part was when they changed the dealers. There were about 8 or 9 dealers in the room running blackjack and roulette and when it came to changing them all the new dealers would come in and line up at the back of the room. So for a couple of minutes every hour there were about 16 or so of the fittest women in the world in the room. We called it the changing of the guard and we never spoke to each other when it was happening. We also spent a large part of the evening talking to each other but never actually looking at each other…I also was getting a sore neck from constantly looking about the room at all the women on show. I don’t have the vocabulary to describe how fit they were. You can go onto the Palms web site and they are all on there…but please finish reading the blog first!! As we were on the 53rd floor we were pretty high up and the view was spectaular out of the window as well. It was about midnight so Vegas was lit up in all its neon glory and we could see it all. It was immense. We had a bit of wonder and found that down the back was another small bar which had a very opulent fireplace behind glass and some very lavish furniture, we of course felt right at home next to all this luxury

On our next woder around we found an escalator (being America there were obviously no stairs!)  going up! So up we went and found another club called Rain. We guess it’s called that because while there is roof over most of the place there is no roof over the dance floor. It was quite simply one of the best clubs I have ever been to.  The music was quality, the lights were top notch and once again the women were stunning.

There was also a small outside part…that’s outside on the 54th floor! The view was just as good even if it was a little chilly by then! Still we soldiered on and kept drinking and so the alcohol jacket kept us warm. There was also a very nice lady going round with a big tray of assorted goodies including cigars. So of course we duely bought 2 Churchills and sparked them up, it was a great moment to be puffing on a massive cigar in a wicked club in Las Vegas on the 54th floor. Loved it!  Ben had a theory that some of the female populus of the club were also Playboy models either on a night out or put there to make it look even better. It’s not a theory I was gonna argue with because they were all very fit and I wasn’t complaining. Unfortunately our time there came to an end so we got back in the lift with the hugh bloke and descended.  Then guess what….we went and gambled and told anyone and everyone where we had just been, which to be fair I’ve been doing ever since!

The rest of the trip, Monday and Tuesday, were largely repetitive. We went to the Mall during the day so Ben could get some money and then we would spend the evenings gambling away what money we had left. However, on our way back from the Mall we stopped in at the Bellagio for a drink at the fountain bar which as you might have guessed is right next to the fountains. We had a cracking mojito and watched the incredible show. The video below shows the fountains and just so you know the tower in the back ground is about 400 feet tall!

We saw some strange sites…including at one point a whole load of Storm Troopers walking down the street! It was a fantastic trip and I’m sure the Fat Britney boys will be back in Las Vegas some day, too many things we didn’t manage to do. I would recommend Vegas to anyone that likes to have a good time. It is brilliant, expecially the free drinks while gambling!! There were also some stories that didn’t make it on here and never shall. Those ones will stay in Vegas a la the old saying…