Amsterdam - We’re back from yet another crazy adventure and this time the destination was Amsterdam. I’m sure there are plenty of you reading this that have already been and no doubt will already know what I am about to write. For those of you who don’t know, Amsterdam is a city where it is “legal” to smoke cannabis in certain coffee shops and prostitution is also legal…so it’s a city of low morals which suits the fatbritney boys well!

So we headed off on Thursday after work via Luton airport and began the not so arduous 45 minute flight to Amsterdam. By the time we arrived it was about 9 pm ish and what was quickly apparent was that our hotel was very VERY central! Now, here at fatbritney.com we take it in turns to book the holidays and see which hotels are good and this one was booked by Ben. As a result we were surrounded by bars, coffee shops and the Red Light District was just round the corner…I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions. So we dumped our bags in our room and headed out to see what the city had to offer. Ben had visited Amsterdam a few times before and pointed us towards a coffee shop we had passed on the way to the hotel and had said that they do excellent coffee ;). We chilled in there for an hour or so enjoying the coffee and some of the other products that were on sale before moving on. We headed back towards our htoel which was in Dam Square and decided to visit a bar and grab a beer. We sat ourselves down outside a bar and grabbed a very nice but quite expensive beer…they were lucky it tasted so nice because at 7 euros a pint it wasn’t cheap! Still we enjoyed the beer as well as the view! The bar was on the corner of a very busy street which had a lot of people walking past and in particular a lot of very atractive women. Having sat there for a bit we moved onto another coffee shop for another sample of the local produce…which I can tell you was very good! So we spent the rest of the evening stumbling between bars and coffee shops in a haze of drink and smoke. I must confess that at this point I can’t really remember the specifics of the evening due to the various narcotics that were in my system at this point. However, the one thing that I do remember is when we got back to the hotel. We had stopped off in McDonalds for a quick snack and Ben had foolishly ordered something that they had to cook and didn’t have to hand. The palce was rammed and lots of alarms kept going off which was not what we needed…for various reasons! Having made it out of their alive we went back to the room. As I went to open the door I heard an almighty crash behid me and I turned around to see Ben collapsed on the floor. I will admit it took me a few moments to fully register what was going one before everntually telling Ben to get up. Looking a bit pale he lifted his head slowly and asked “how long have I been on the floor for?” The honest answer is I don’t know but I would wager it was no more than about 10 seconds. Furthermore he had headbutted the wall during his not-so-graceful landing and now had a bruise on his head. The moral of the story here is…don’t pick fights with wallsespecially if you are going to headbutt them!

Friday started in the usual fatbritney manner…late! We grabbed a slice of pizza from one of the many establishments that sell pizza slices and cakes. I can’t for a minute imagine why there are places like this in a city where smoking cannabis is legal!! Friday then quickly descended into more smoke filled fun and we again made our way around the various coffee shops in the city. At this point I again can’t really remember what we did or even talked about while enjoying the delights of the city! I do remember as we walked through the Red Light District it became obvious that some of the working girls were very fit and some of them should have retired 30 or 40 years ago! I know there is no substitute for experience but in this case I beg to differ. I will be honest at this point and say that this probably wasn’t the most interesting of days that fatbritney has ever been on. Don’t get me worng it was great if you were there but to blog about, it’s not the most fascinating. We headed back to the hotel at about 8 pm ish to have a shower and stuff and then go out. However, we were both quite tired for some reason and decided to have a quick lie down…until 1 am. Never the less in true fatbritney style we soldiered on and dragged ourselves back out into the night where we found a bar where we could drink beer and smoke…so we did! This was followed by a return to the hotel and collapsing in bed!

Then came Saturday, and with Holland being so close to the UK there were loads of places showing loads of football which was good for us! So having risen suitably late again we headed to a few coffee shops before setting up camp in an Irish bar somewhere near a canal, which I realise in Amseterdam could be anywhere but i have no idea where it actually was. The bar had loads of screens and covered the football excellently and more to the point had a VERY VERY fit bar maid as well! The fatbritney boys tended to miss what was happening in the football whenever she walked past! So we sat in there drinking beer and watching football whilst enjoying the sight of the bar maid whenever she was in view…which thankfully was quite often. We ended up watching 2 games so we were in the bar for quite a while and managed to consume a fair amount of beer. So we decided that it was a good idea to head out and give the liver a bit more of a pounding. So after a quick change of clothing we hit the town to see what damage we could do to ourselves. We ended up in one of the more surreal bars I have ever been to and somewhere that you would probably only find in Amsterdam - The Banana Bar. It was 45 euros to get and and then you had an hour of open bar…and all the bar maids are 100% naked! They are naked as the day they were born and they aim to please. I’m sure there are some of you reading this (the men) thinking this is great…open bar, naked women, it all sounds great. However, there was only one of them that was fit and the rest were not very fit or they looked like most of thier memories were probably in black and white! Again there seemed to be a move towards experience over looks…strange! Still, one of the more experienced bar maids had a party piece of shooting a bright green dildo across the room, I’ll leave you to work out where from on her person she fired it from. Needless to say this is a bar in Amsterdams Red Light District so she fired it from a rather initmate area! We had a skin full in there bby simply sitting right up the front at the bar and simply downing our drinks and then handing over our glasses to get refilled. From there we stumbled around other bars continuing to drink as much as we could. Once again I have to apologise as I cannot really remember what happened specifically from this point on. By this time we had probably consumed the best part of 20 pints and were a little worse for ware.

Sunday began in another usual fashion…late and with a hangover! As it was our last day we again headed out and managed to visit a few more coffee shops and then somehow stumbled across the Irish bar with the nice bar maid again. So we set up camp, watched more football and drank a lot of Sprite in order to try and recover from the madness of the night before. Again the football took a back seat whenever the bar maid was in view…she really was cracking! We sat in there for quite a while before heading off and strolling around the streets a fewe more times along the way stopping off for another coffee here and there. That sadly was our last day and we had to head out to the airport at about 8 pm ish, where we found we needed to go to gate H which as it turned out was on the other side of Holland, which is not what was needed when heading home with a hangover! All in all it was a great trip and Amsterdam is a wicked place…it just doesn’t make for a great blog. Unfortunately during these trips we tend to drink a lot which causes some memory loss and Amsterdam relaxed laws only meant that the memory loss was increased! Sorry about that. Still we would recommend it to anyone and would gladly return…the only problem being we’ve said that about pretty much everywhere so far…decisions decisions…