Ibiza – The White Isle. I’m sure a few of you reading this have been before and know how mad it is but at the same time completely and utterly brilliant! We arrived Thursdat late afternoon, getting in from Palma using Air Berlin. Outside Ibiza airport it became obvious that it was really bloody hot although this didn’t prove to be an issue as we didn’t see the sun too much! We took a cab over to our hotel, Hotel S’Anfora which was in San Antonio. The hotel was pretty budget but it suited our needs because it had a bed, air conditioning and was close to all the action. So we releived ourselves of our luggage and headed for the hotel bar by the pool. It was about 6pm ish so we had a beer and enjoyed the sun which was still blazingly hot even at that time! We then moved off down the road to see what was going on further down from us and we discovered the beach with loads of bars along the front and the fact that we were walking distance from Eden and Es Paradis! This left us as happy as pigs in….you know. On route we scoped out a few bars that had potnetial for drunk high jinks and stopped off in one called Tulip which became something of a regular hanut for us as the cocktails were good and the food was cheap…a perfect combo in our eyes.

Thursday evening saw us hit the bars after a few vodkas on our balcony. This was also a regular occurrence as Ibiza is not cheap but the 1 litre bottle of vodka from the local Spa was only 6 euros a bottle, bargin! So we headed out and when to a bar called Linekers and started the holiday in true fatbritney fashion….by drinking our own body weight in alcohol. As always we picked a bar that was lively and had attractive waitresses and the result of this was Ben chatting up the shot girl in there for quite some time. Needless to say we ended up sinking a fair few shots, I’m not going to put a figure on it as I have no clue what-so-ever as to how many…which is a testement to how many we had. Whilst in here we ran into an American guy and his wife. It turned out that he was a Head Kandi DJ and was djing at Space on Saturday night.  I will admit that we never actually asked his name but we got a few photos with him as we all got very drunk together for the rest of the night. Upon returning home to the UK we found him on the Head Kandi website and it turns out he is called KC Anderson. He was pretty keen to tell you that he was a DJ…a Head Kandi DJ…djing in Space…he was a DJ….he had “DJ ear”….he knew lots of other DJ’s….he was a Head Kandi DJ…Head Kandi were his record label…and so on. I really have understated that as he went on like this for the entire night without stopping. Still we all got very drunk in Linekers and then decided to move on and on the recommendation of the DJ we headed to another bar that he said would be good. When we got in it was as busy as a care home run by Harold Shipman. Even the tumble weed was leaving! So we had a drink, took some stupind photos and moved onto to somewhere else. At this point, dear reader, I have to confess that I cannot remember what it was called or even where. I remember that it was far busier and the music was a lot better. I remember we headed up to the back bit of it and drank some more but my memory fails me at this point…I vaguely remember stumbling around outside for a bit afterwards but it’s all very hazy!

Friday started in the afternoon as we didn’t get in until about 5 am that morning so funnily enough we didn’t start on Friday until a bit later on. The sun was out and was still hot and we were actually in it…which was about the last time in the holiday that we saw the sun when it was hot. So we longued by our pool for a while soaking up what little sun we were going to get during the holiday. While we were doing this there were some scottish blokes in the hotel opposite that kept going out onto their balcony in the nude. This was then followed by chants of  “we’re all in the buff!” It wasn’t a pleasant experience with a hangover…or without! So we decided to dry ourselves off and head down to the baars by the beach for a few drinks before the main action really began. We had found out the night before that the iconic Cafe Del Mar and Cafe Mambo were a further walk around the beach and with it being about 7.30 pm and the sun setting in about an hour or so we made our way over there…via a couple of other bars for refreshment as it was quite a walk! We arrived at Cafe Del Mar to be greeted by the site of most of the population of the island. Watching the sun going down from these bars is something that has long been a tradition in Ibiza and is something everyone needs to do. Despite the crowds we went straight to the bar and ordered up a couple of mojitos to enjoy while the sun went down. The as luck would have it a table opened up so we pounced on it straight away. It was bliss…Cafe Del Mar, mojito and a seat as the sun was going down. This was the realisation of a life long dream for the fatbritney boys and it was spectacular.

As you can see the view was pretty damn good! Cafe Del Mar is so plush that on the side of the straws it actually says Cafe Del Mar in italics! It was absolutley brilliant. While we were sat at our table we were joined by some girls from the UK who were looking for a seat in the massively crowded cafe. That sat with us, we all started chatting and it became apparent that they were headed to cafe Mambo for more drinks and some food. An invitiation was kindly made to the fatbritney boys and we gladly accepted. Which meant that in one evening we managed to drink in both of the most revered cafes on the island. We sat in Mambo drinking Cava and listening to Trevor Nelson on the decks…that’s just how we roll! I will freely admit that I can’t stand Cava but the ladies were drinking it so bottles of it seemed the logical choice. I was brave enough to drink through it for the good of the team. We then discovered that one of the girls at the table was a MASSIVE fan of Trevor Nelson and kept cracking jokes about him walking out of the door that we were sat next to. I came back from the bar and they cracked a joke that I had just missed him…however, I looked up and he was stood about 10 feet away!! So she went to get a photo with him but was struck by crippling shyness and just sort of stood there near him. Never fear though fatbritney came to the rescue. Ben lept up and spoke with Trev (as he is now known) and asked for a photo, which he was cool with. Fatbritney saves the day yet again! i bet you all thought we were little more than mindless drunks but here we are doing good deads….whilst getting drunk. The conversation turned to plans for the night ahead and the girls were going to Eden which was featuring Fatboy Slim and Pete Tong. We decided to tag along and that was a spectacularly good idea. We got in at about 2 am and Fatboy Slim was already on the deck and the place was jumping and the dance floor was packed. Fatboy Slim was really on it and was banging out the tunes and the crowd were loving it! The only downside was the drinks were 15 euros a go and it took a fucking age to get served which is something that never goes down well with the fatbritney boys. But we made do and got drunk anyway! Eden is by no measn the most opulent or biggest club on the island but it was quality that night. Fatboy Slim finished his set, which was fantastic throughout, and was replaced by Pete Tong. Unfortunately he lived up to the cockney rhyming slang part of his name all too well…he wasn’t great and the club thinned out almost instantly. So we had a wonder around the club and checked out the upstairs section where there were a few more bars and some little curtained off room playing some funky little beats. We stumbled out of there and headed home but on our way we met a couple of brummie lads that were looking for a bar to drink in…but all the bars were shut. So we did the honourable thing and invited them back to ours as we had a bottle and a half of vodka left. The descended into total anarchy form there…we were all very drunk and the conversation got very strange very quickly. I can remember some of it and I am not going to blog it but topics that were covered included Michael Fish, ginger children and some very random facts. It was quite surreal stuff and I’m so glad no one else was there to hear most of it! The night came to a close at around 8 am and so we passed out happy with our efforts for Friday!

Saturday started for us at about 5pm due to not going to sleep until 8am the same morning. So we got up and moseyed down to Tulip for some food and some recovery juice. We then made the short trip to Linekers again as there was a load of football on and it was a good place to mong for a bit and watch some football. The main reason we went in there was to watch Man Utd (Ben’s team) vs Arsenal (Paul’s team). It ended in a 2 – 1 win for Ben’s team and left me complaining of daylight robbery…I was left most unhappy about that game and once again on a fatbritney holiday my team had lost. For those of you keeping count it makes 3 games played while on holiday and 1 win and 2 defeats…sorry lads! So we wearily haeded back to the hotel again taking in more recovery juice on the way as this was an absolute essential! We made contact with the girls and guys we met at Cafe Del Mar and they were in Ibiza town and were planning on heading to Pacha which fitted nicely with our plans for heading to Pacha as well. After a bit more recovery juice and a few cheap vodkas in our room we grabbed a cab and haeded over to Ibiza town. Ibiza town turned out to be MUCH nicer than San Antonio and left us wishing we were staying there rather than in San Antonio…but you live and learn. The town itself was really nice and consisted of loads of small streets with nice restaurants and bars outside. We found the group all sat eating what looked like a very nice meal of tapas at a cool little restaurant. Having already eaten we didn’t really fancy anymore food so instead just wanted a few beers, so we were given some seats by one of the waiters and joined the table. When I say joined we were put right on the end…and the table had stopped about half a yard from where we were sat which was in the middle of the street!! The words “third wheel” came to mind very quickly!! It was the most awkard place I have ever sat in my life as we were constantly in the way of evryone and anyone that passed by.Still we made do and sank a few beers in there before the group all moved onto another bar round the corner. It was one of those bars with the scouts outside trying to get you to come in by offering you crazy drink offers, free shots, double measures, a kidney, their first born….etc. We picked one that offered us all 2 free drinks and 2 free shots. Although the “shots” were little more than peach flavoured water…heavy on the peach and easy on the schnapps! So as a group we finished up our drinks and made our way to Pacha. We had shelled out 40 euros each to get into Pacha and as soon as we got in there it was obvious that it was worth every cent and I would have porbably paid even more! This placed is billed as the best and most lavish club on the island and I’ve not been in them all but they would need to go a long way to beat this one! The night that was on was called Defected and playing live were Junior Jack and Kid Creme. The night was immense. The club is incredible, it’s massive for a start with bars all over the place and about 3 different levels and a terrace on the roof as well with another 2 bars and loads of sofas! Then there are tables in the VIP area which is raised around the dance where all the rich people sit drinking champagne and generally looking down on everyone (get it!!). Once again the drinks were 15 euros a go but we still drank a fair few G&T’s which for some reason was the drink of choice in there. So we danced for a while and then went off to explore the massive expanse of the club. We ended up on the terrace outside for a bit chilling by the bar before we all decided to head back down to the dance floor again. It was at this point that Junior Jack and Kid Creme were starting their tag team session and they were fucking brilliant! They absolutely tore it up and the crowd loved every minute of it. They were incredible and were brilliantly accompanied on the bongos by none other than Shovel who was indescribably good. I have a confession to make…I, Paul, am a HUGE Shovel fan purely beacuse he is always on Arsenal TV and loves Arsenal like I do. Meeting him was a magic moment and made my life complete…I realise I need help and am activel seeking therapy.

The night in Pacha was amazing…the club itself, the atmosphere, the music and Shovel all made for a great night and one of the best on a fatbritney holiday…which is a big statement! Unfortunately all good things must come to an end and we stumbled out of the club at a very repectable 7.30 am…into the bright sunlight. Coming out of a club at that time and into the sun makes you feel like a right scum bag but we loved it!

Sunday was our penultimate day in Ibiza as our flight home the next day was at 2 pm. As you might have guessed the day didn’t start until late afternoon due to Saturday nights exertions! We rose at about 5pm ish again and did little else during the day other than get in some recovery juice and try to keep the pains in our heads to a minimum. As the day slowly wore on we tried to decide what to do during our last night in Ibiza. We didn’t want to waste a night by not doing anything but at the same time getting back at 7 am would ensure we would miss our flight! So we cracked open another bottle of vodka and sat drinking on our balcony while we decided. While we were sat there drinking, playing cards with music blaring some spanish bloke walked past. A few quick words later and all of a sudden there were 2 spanish blokes and about 5 spanish girls in our room enjoying an impromptu party…it was quite random but was excellent none the less. They left and the time was about midnight and we had ben struck by “the thirst.” So we taxied over to Ibiza town agian and hit the bars. We pitched up in the same bar as the night before and enjoyed some free drinks and paech water. We also enjoyed the hiring policy of the bar and found it to be one that fatbritney highly approved of! Sunday night in Ibiza is all about 1 club…Space. Having had a few vodkas and then some free drinks we were now in the mood and as a result we went to Space. I’m very glad that we did because it was banging in there. When you first get in there is a bar outside on the decking and then when you get in there are 2 main rooms downstairs and about another 3 or 4 upstairs as well as a terrace bar! Needless to say we got round them all including The Red Room upstairs which was cool as it overlooked the main dance floor downstairs. After dancing in there for a bit we hit the main dance floor downstairs where the music was incedible. I am sad to say I have no clue who was playing but it was superb. Thankfully we both were running low on funds and had to leave early…5 am. Were it not for a lack of cash we may well still be in Ibiza as I write this!! I look forward to a return when we can fully enjoy a full noght in Space!

Monday was the day we left the island and haeded home. our flight took us via Dusselldorf on Air Berlin as this was the cheapest flight back we could get at the time. When we arrived we were told that the flight was delayed by an hour which was ni big deal at the time. However, it kept going back…and back….and back. Until we everntually found out that the pilots were on strike all day! So our 2 pm flight ended up taking off at about 9pm instead! When we got to Dusselldorf it was like a ghost town and there was no one around to ask what the hell was going on. We evetnaully found the Air Belin desk who told us that there were no flights tonight and we were being put in a hotel with free dinner and breakfast. This was better than nothing but we were then told we had to retrieve our bags from lost and found. Having found “lost and found” after about 20 minutes of walking we were told we were in the wrong place and need the Air Berlin lost and found. So after another 30 minutes of walking we foudn that, rang the bell and no one answered. SO we asked someone else and they said it was further down. We went down there and after what seemed like a life time we found our bags…having spoken to quite a few rude germans on the way I found myself quietly humming the Dambusters theme tune. The hotel we were put up was a 4 star and was relly nice! We hit the dinner buffet and piled up a much as we could as Air Berlin were paying! We did the same at breakfast as well…if I ever meet an Air Berlin pilot I will strike him! we got on our plane the next day and haeded home. The plane only had about 50 people on it and was so tiny it had propellors on it. Air Berlin pilots are wankers and I hope they don’t get their raise and instead get syphilis.

All in all this was a fantastic holiday that we loved and are very likely to return to Ibiza in the future…it feels likehome!!!