Something a bit different this time around for the Fat Britney boys. Instead of jetting off to somewhere exotic or to a country that a lot of people would struggle to point to on a map, we have been to a festival instead!! This all came about because our wonderful boss’s sister is one of the top people is sorting out the entire festival which meant that she very kindly sorted us out with VIP tickets for the entire weekend…nice. This meant that we didn’t have to mix with the common folk, got a camping place near all the stages, were able to walk around most of the queues and drink in the VIP bar which is all in keeping with the way fat britney lives. The journey down there however, was an incredible pain in the rectum. The M25 was one big treffic jam and then we got off that and were confronted with another massive traffic jam which meant we missed the ferry we originally had hoped to get on. Never the less after the nightmare journey was over and we found a car park near the ferry port we lugged all our stuff over and managed to get straight onto a ferry that was sat there waiting to leave which was a nice touch….and so began the drinking. Handily we sat outside and the nearest bar was just inside the door which meant that getting in another round was quick and easy. The ferry journey took about an hour, mostly because the ferry appears to be one of the slowest moving inventions mankind has ever come up with. But it did allow for more drinking time which is always a good thing. Upon docking, which I believe is the correct nautical term, we disembarked (another nautical term) and made our plans to head to the festival. We ended up taking a water taxi round to the other side of the festival which was again really slow but another boat did pull up along side and we were able to buy some more beers…which was good. Once we set foot on dry land again we the headed up to the festival itself to try and track down our VIP tickets which was a lot harder than it sounds. The festival has LOADS of entrances and is massive and we had no clue which entrance we were supposed to be getting the tickets from. This led to a LOT of walking carrying heavy camping stuff in what was still quite a hot sun funnily enough this part was not fun. But after going all the way around the festival twice we found the right entrance and headed in. We picked up our wrist bands, which were pink and sparkly, and then headed in via a quick search of our bags by the security. They found in Ben’s bag a bottle of champagne that we had bought for Claire, who had sorted out our tickets, and then said it couldn’t come in as it was glass. So Ben disappeared for a minute and then walked in through the same part of security with no bottle in his bag but a suspicously bottle shaped arm…good work from Ben and s SHAME on the security people as it could not have been more obvious unless he walked in balancing it on his head!
Once we got in we then had to find a place to pitch our tent (a bit of camping terminology for you there…) and unfortunately this involved a LOAD more walking. But eventually – the word “eventually” has never been more prevelant than here – we made it to the field that would be our home for the weekend. We were directed to a good spot by Keiron who was Claire’s other half and so we came to the part we had both been dreading since deciding to go to the festvial…putting up the tent! We had bought it from a camping exhibition a couple of weeks prior to departing and the guy who sold it said it was a ten minute job to put up…that coming from a bloke who makes a living from putting tents up!! So we got it out of te bag and began to read the instructions and put the thing up. It started badly as we put the wrong poles in the wrong place which was pretty dumb as there were only 3 poles! We carried on making sure to read the instructions carefully as we went… we got fed up and gave up with the instructions and chucked them. So we set about putting up the tent, fat britney style…basically with reckless abandon!! We everntually got the outside of the tent up and then all that was left was to put the inside in it and hook it up onto the hooks inside. Sounds easy…but we managed to cock this up as well. At one point we had the door at the wrong end which meant that Ben was effictively stuck in there trying to hook it up and failing miserably because he was running out of space and had no way of getting out…I then had a go and did the same thing! We then struck upon the genius idea of turning the inside around after seeing the massive zip which was clearly the door! We are not cut out for camping at all! We had however, been sensible enough to bring a stove and a few other bits…none of which were used or even left Ben’s bag…we are quite lazy. Still, the tent was up and it kinda looked like a tent if you squinted while looking in the dark from a long distance and didn’t look at it too long and had poor vision while slightly drunk after a heavy blow to the head. But it was standing. After a few quick blasts of vodka from a bottle that Ben brought that security again failed to spot…nice. So we headed off to go and watch Jay z and get really drunk. We strolled off and because of the VIP status that we had we were able to skip most of the masses and the queues by simply flashing the wristbands at various security guards and then gaps in the fence would appear. We made our way over to the VIP bar in order to get a great view. The VIP bar and area was right next to the main stage just to the side of it away from the masses and next to a bar as well. It suited out needs nicely. The queue at the bar was pretty big so when we made it to the front we ordered in masses of JD and coke and went out to get a good spot for Jay Z. After pounding a few more it was time for the main event…on came Jay Z and the whole place went nuts!! I must apologise in advance as I don’t have the necessary writing skills to describe how good this was. Jay Z was insanely good!! It was just hit after hit and the crowd loved it…and so did we!! I had remembered to bring my cigars with me, so we blazed up some Montecristo No 2′s, drank our JD and loved every tune that Jay Z banged out. He did Empire State of Mind…sadly Alicia Keys was not there to help out but he brought some other bird with him and she was very good and REALLY FIT!! Every tune was huge, the crowd loved it and when he went off everyone was waiting to see what he could possibly do for an encore and he didn’t disappoint. He came back on to do “Run this town” and little did we all know but when it came to the Kanye West part of the tune out he came onto the stage!! The place blew up with people going crazier than is humanly possible. Kanye came on and was brilliant and it was the perfect way to end the set. It was an incredible show and one that anyone that was there will never forget and I will remember it til I draw my last breath…which with all the fat britney holidays is getting closer and closer! After the down we went in search of more drink and somehow stumbled into a champagne bar…where we bought a couple of jugs of Pimms….well the weather was nice outside. We ended up shotting the breeze with some girls in here but to be honest I can’t really remember what about due to the various narcotics flowing round my system. We finished up the Pimms and went back to the tent and we managed to find it agian in the dark…and it looked at lot better than when we left…which might have been done to the JD but I like to think that it something to do with our tent pitching skills, although it is likely to be the former! We grabbed the vodka and went to talk to the neighbours and ended up chatting to a band called The Perils who were there to play one of the many stages. I ahve no clue what music they play or even if they are any good. But they like to drink and they had mixers for our vodka so I like them and would encourage people to listen to them! Ben instantly forgot their name and ended up calling them The Prostates and the Glands. I can remember their name because one of them gave me some of the marketing material…a branded condom…odd but effective because I can remeber them! The night evetntually came to an end at some early time in the morning and we went to crash out in our tent.
We woke up at around 9.30 am both with massive dry mouth and in a tent that was hotter than the average household oven! It was roasting and we had no sort of matress under the sleeping bags so the ground was rock hard as well. We are not cut out for camping as it is shit. having a really hot tent is not ideal for sleeping which is something that is needed in abundance on a fat britney holiday. This was not good. After a couple of hours Ben somehow got up and came back with a bacon baguette each…which was mightily impressive, although he did confess to nearly passing out while queueing up for them! Camping is shit. We rose at around 1 ish and decided to go the shop just off site to get some water and batteries for the air pump tp pump up our air beds. This was another long arse walk…the fat britney holiday is a great way of losing weight due to the lack of eating and masses of walking. The binge drinking might be our only downfall. After walking for about 10 hours ish we made it to the shop and purchased a massive 24 pack of small bottles of water. This was a great idea at the time as it meant we wouldn’t need a repeat trip but it did mean that we had to carry it back…in the sun…hungover…a very long way. This was bad!! It took an age to complete this rather straight forward task and by the end of it we were both quite broken but we pumped up our air beds and then collapsed on them. initaially they seemed great, an answer to our prayers. But it soon became evident that they were utterly fucking useless…as soon as you moved the thing would collapse in the middle. Hopeless but slightly better than sleeping on the ground…but only slightly.
The reset of saturday was wasted doing nothing until the England game in the evening against the USA. There was an enormous screen erected for the match and it was rammed in there. The screen was outside but penned in by metal fences and there were thousands and thousands of people in there watching it. So the FB boys engaged what little brain we had left and sat just outside it next to the fences on our chairs while everyone esle stood up in the pen. It was clever thinking by us for a change. So we watched the game and drank a few more beers while despairing at another lacklusture Engalnd performance. I could go on about the game, THAT mistake by Green and the lack of creativity but I won’t. After the game we dumped the chairs back at the tent and then headed out to see the Strokes. We had hoped to see Biffy Clyro as well but some idiot had the genius idea of putting them on at the same time as the football…dumb! It was a shame really as they would have been great to see live. We found ourselves in the VIP bar again drinking heavily waiting for the main act of the night to come on. While we were waiting we were treated to a few songs of Blondie but thankfully not very many. When the strokes came on the light show was brilliant and they were outstanding. The lead singer in particular has become a hero at FB..he was REALLY pissed, fat britney pissed, but still banged out an amazing performance. They were all killer and no filler. They pretty much just played “Is this it” all the way through….which worked well for everyone. After their epic performance had ended we went in search of more drink which led us to a little bar in the VIP/Speacial Guest area. It was a tiny little bar but it was serving so we moved in. We started chatting to a Canadian guy and some birds he was with. We ended up shooting the breeze over a few more JD’s before heading back to their tent for a few more beers and some other narcotics that were going round. The ladies retired for the evening but the rest of us kept going back by our tent where we went and chatted to The Perils again while drinking loads more beer and more herbal remedies. This went on long into the night. First chatting to the Perils and then sat in our tent drinking and enjoying more herbal remedies. The conversation was varied and mostly a load of utter bollocks, none of which I can actually remember. But the Canadian bloke was a nice bloke and his beer and narcotics were nice…as were our own that we had intelligently remembered to bring. The “night” came to a close at around7.30 am Sunday morning!
On Sunday we went home, it was a long and painful experience that involved getting a bus, a ferry and driving all with a massive hang over and only about 5 hours of sleep all weekend. The festival was brilliant, even though we only saw 2 acts and we loved it…the camping part of it is shit…really shit and we fucking hated it! Thanks again to Claire for sorting it out, it was much appreciated. The presidents of FB have had a discussion and would like to make Claire and Keiron honorary life members of Fat Britney for aiding the presidents to get messed up while listening to great live music. Welcome and enjoy…we would also like to extend this honour to one more person…Julian Casablancas – the lead singer of The Strokes. For giving a great performance while being drunk, really drunk – a true representation of Fat Britney…Welcome…Welcome to all of you…
